no voice except but to wish.

There is literally no place for me in this house, in this family for my voice, my opinions, my wants and desires to be heard. I cannot speak my mind about anything because then it becomes an opportunity for someone to get hurt or be offended, or take things out of context.

I should stop wishing that things were different, or wishing that I could go back and change things somehow. I imagine where I would be and what it is I could be doing. I am wondering if the reason why everything is the way it is in reality is because my life, my should've-could've been life would have somehow been a lot worse than it is now. But no matter how much I think it through, no matter how many times I forcibly stop myself from questioning what if? and how come?, I am put in the position to constantly question.

What if my father was around? What if my mother married again? What if I never had any money issues? What if I had a good relationship with my mother?

What if I had made my own decision about college? Would I still be here in this position, 5 years later, trying to finish school? If i had done that, would I have more friends now? Would I have stayed with Jon?

Would I be happier?

Essentially, that's what I have desired most of all. Who doesn't. The problem is that no one seems to care about what makes me happy. Excluding only a handful of people, of whom don't really have much control on my life, I get control of my own happiness once i receive a diploma. Once I graduate college, I "get to be" in charge of my own life.

I was never one of those people who believed that just because I hit a certain age, I was an adult. I still don't consider myself to be quite an adult. I have always considered others in my decisions. Not simple ones like, should I buy this DVD? or when and where I should work out? But life decisions were always based around the comfort and wallets of other people.

When does it become too late to stop considering other people when I am making decisions about my life? Everytime I think about something about my future, I always think about how this will affect those in control? What are all the possible scenarios in which they could approve or disapprove about what I have to say?

As much as I know that it should not be that way, it is, and I don't know how to fix it.

Timing

Difficulties in life are meant to make you think and to appreciate all the things that you do have. To reevaluate your life, your purpose, or if anything, to teach you something.
I will admit to being a complete control freak who wants nothing more than to just make a difference in the world. It does not seem enough to have the heart or the drive. Nothing is falling into place and I'm wondering if this is how I am paying my dues or if I'm just not meant for it right now. The path is right? Just not right now? But if now, then when? What is it that I should be learning from now until whenever things decide to fall into place? What do I do? Its been three years going on four. I can only be patient for so long. I always seem to be waiting for something. If there was just one these in my life, that would definitely be it. And I'm not even sitting around waiting. I'm making back up plans for my back ups.
I don't give up hope because I trust that it will all work itself out. I hope the God has a bigger plan for me and that is why right now is not the right time. That I should just enjoy the time I do have.
I should just sit and just wait.

Selfish

I cannot help but wonder why girls these days expect so much from their men? After having the same fight over and over again just to get to the same place, you would think that it occur to girls "Maybe I should stop asking about that one particular thing" or "I should probably give him room to breathe". Guys are so low maintenance. Most of them anyways. Sex, Food, Support. That's all they really need. Throw in some video games, some sports here and there and you're pretty much set.
When you expect your guy to do something, you are setting yourself for disappointment. Unless he is some crazy psychic, GUYS CANNOT READ YOUR MIND. It would be so much easier just to tell them what you want.
Why can't girls concentrate on the good things about the relationship? On the little things, or at least all the stuff he actually gets right. Driving you around, calling, walking you to your car. That stuff should count. It should not be an expectation. Be appreciative of all the things you already have, not what you want him to be. It doesn't work that way. Guys will appreciate a girl that knows how to give him his space, and who does not ask for too much.
Too many girls are caught up in the typical idea of a fairy tale romance. What guy can live up to that? It doesn't exist. It should be enough for a guy who WANT to spend all his time with you. He is entitled to some me time.
Give the guys a break, half the time they don't know what they did wrong. But you cannot blame them for it because every time they try to talk to you about it a fight erupts. Don't be so dramatic. Just talk to each other. You learn so much more about yourself and each other.