There is literally no place for me in this house, in this family for my voice, my opinions, my wants and desires to be heard. I cannot speak my mind about anything because then it becomes an opportunity for someone to get hurt or be offended, or take things out of context.
I should stop wishing that things were different, or wishing that I could go back and change things somehow. I imagine where I would be and what it is I could be doing. I am wondering if the reason why everything is the way it is in reality is because my life, my should've-could've been life would have somehow been a lot worse than it is now. But no matter how much I think it through, no matter how many times I forcibly stop myself from questioning what if? and how come?, I am put in the position to constantly question.
What if my father was around? What if my mother married again? What if I never had any money issues? What if I had a good relationship with my mother?
What if I had made my own decision about college? Would I still be here in this position, 5 years later, trying to finish school? If i had done that, would I have more friends now? Would I have stayed with Jon?
Would I be happier?
Essentially, that's what I have desired most of all. Who doesn't. The problem is that no one seems to care about what makes me happy. Excluding only a handful of people, of whom don't really have much control on my life, I get control of my own happiness once i receive a diploma. Once I graduate college, I "get to be" in charge of my own life.
I was never one of those people who believed that just because I hit a certain age, I was an adult. I still don't consider myself to be quite an adult. I have always considered others in my decisions. Not simple ones like, should I buy this DVD? or when and where I should work out? But life decisions were always based around the comfort and wallets of other people.
When does it become too late to stop considering other people when I am making decisions about my life? Everytime I think about something about my future, I always think about how this will affect those in control? What are all the possible scenarios in which they could approve or disapprove about what I have to say?
As much as I know that it should not be that way, it is, and I don't know how to fix it.
